Life is about the simple pleasures. Unfortunately, the recent downturn has denied my pilot coworkers and I one of our pleasures.

Prior to the downturn our airline had a revolving door of new flight attendants. The job isn’t for everyone (especially with the abuses our employer hurled on them) and many quit within months of starting. So, we always had fresh flight attendants ignorant to our pranks.

Our employer actually dried up the well of qualified applicants and lowered their minimum hiring age to 19 to find enough victims. We ended up having gullible and impressionable flight attendants.

And we used this to amuse ourselves. I haven’t directly participated in these jokes, but was present for a few while commuting. Most jokes were done so that the passengers had the best chance at viewing.

We are Approaching the Speed of Heat

The practical jokes usually involve the pilots calling back with some issue. In this joke the pilots would tell the flight attendants that to make up time they were flying much faster than usual. As they were going faster they would be approaching the speed of heat. They enlisted the flight attendants to hold their hand against the wall mid-cabin and report back if they felt the walls heating up.

Air Sample

For this one we would tell the flight attendants that the destination’s station advised us that the EPA was waiting for us on landing. They needed an air sample from the cabin while we were still in cruise to test for a safe working environment. Usually, grabbing a plastic garbage bag, running it through the air to fill it up, and then sealing it up would work just fine.

Gear is Having Trouble

On our low-wing regional jet the pilots could call back and tell the flight attendants that the gear needed help extending. The flight attendants would get involved by jumping up and down in the aisle, over the wing, to give the landing gear that little extra oomph. It was usually advisable to take their shoes off first.

Gyro in the Door is Malfunctioning

I witnessed this one. The pilots told the flight attendant the gyro in the front left door was malfunctioning (there isn’t a gyro in the door in case you are wondering). She willingly hit the door with her hand a bunch. Of course, that wasn’t enough to fix the problem, so she was encouraged to bang on the door with her shoe a few times.

Toilet Trouble

I witnessed this one too. The flushing motor in the toilet was overheating. This sounds odd, but maintenance wants us to poor ice into the toilet. But then the ice wasn’t enough, they say seltzer water might actually do the trick.

With the downturn, our most junior flight attendants have almost three years with the company. We no longer gullible and impressionable people to trick.